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Crush your enemies

Command me, lord

A completely revolutionary device

A Geography Lesson

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Let's play some Tetris, mother******

A compilation.

Trolololololo

In case you missed it, this is a clip from the Jimmy Kimmel Live show that aired after this year's Oscars. It's a parody of a recent viral video, which I'll embed below...

Jillian

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #270

Jillian had a urinary tract infection... again.

That sentence appeared in my head a few days ago, just as you see it above. I have no idea what it means, other than the obvious, and I don't know anyone named Jillian. Regardless, I thought it'd be interesting to begin a vanity card with it and just see where it goes.

Jillian had a urinary tract infection... again. Her doctor liked to abbreviate the condition to UTI. She liked to abbreviate it to TMH - Too Much Humping. Regardless, the road back to vaginal happiness was always the same: cranberry juice and abstinence. Thankfully, her boyfriend, Dudley, was always very understanding. He'd just smile, hold her in his arms and say, "Well, babe, when one door closes, another one opens up." She'd always giggle and blush when he'd say that, but deep down she wished she had the courage to cover his mouth and nose with a chloroform-soaked rag, and then, while he was unconscious, snip off his testicles with the little scissors she uses to groom her schnauzer.

All of which explains why the next sentence popped into my head recently.

Nobody sang Bee Gees songs on karaoke night like Dudley.

I don't need you poking me

My cousin Rickie posted this song to Facebook about a week after an ex sent her a friend request. She didn't want to add him, but wanted to reconnect with some mutual friends. The singer's name is Kate Miller-Heidke.

Why won't you call me back?

So this video has been making the rounds for the past couple of days.

Cliffs Notes version: Guy tells girlfriend he's going on vacation for two weeks, keeps phone off to avoid roaming charges, girlfriend forgets/never listened, so doesn't know guy is gone. She then proceeds to leave various email messages as the days go by, escalating in level of insanity.

Original blog posting here (moved, new site here).

Some people are saying the story's fake, I think it's plausible.

It probably wasn't a very healthy relationship, anyway...

• She never listened enough to him to know he's going to be gone.


• He didn't even bothered to call her to let her know he landed safely.


• At no point did she wonder about his safety, like maybe he couldn't respond to her because he was injured, hospitalized, etc.--That would have been my first thought, if I were in her position.


• That she jumped to only one conclusion (that he dumped her) meant one of three possible things, in my estimation:
  
  1. She was too insecure.
  
  
  2. She was too self-centered.
  
  
  3. The relationship was in a bad enough place that she believed he would dump her at any time.

Ultimately, they are both better off that the relationship ended. Some people wonder, as do I, if she really slept with someone else, or if she only said that to spite him... but it doesn't really matter.

Some people have also been wondering about the songs used in the video. I recognize two of them from the soundtrack of the movie Snatch. Anyway, I'll embed them below:

By the way, if you haven't seen Snatch, you totally should.

25 Random Things

If you're on Facebook, then you've probably been tagged by one or more of your friends with one of these... If you haven't, the concept is this: You write a "Note" about yourself, which has "25 random facts" about yourself. You then "tag" a bunch of your friends, and ask them to also write 25 random things about themselves, tag you (along with their own friends) in their notes, and so on.

It's kind of like chain-mail, except instead of trying to spread some false information for "good luck" or whatever, you get to know more about your friends.

So the song above is about that, as well as a parody of the Miley Cyrus song, "7 Things." They also do some things to mimic Miley's video, which you can watch below, if you haven't seen it.

In the Year 3000

On his new role as host of The Tonight Show, Conan has brought back one of his old bits, with an updated name.

Harry Pothead

So the sixth Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, starts playing in theaters today. The latest title once again reminds me how easily some of the titles lend themselves to cannabis slang, to wit:

1. Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stoned
2. Harry Pothead and the Cannabis of Secrets
3. Harry Pothead and the Prisoner of Azkabong
4. Harry Pothead and the Ganja of Fire
5. Harry Pothead and the Order of the Phillies Blunt
6. Harry Pothead and the Half-Baked Prince
7. Harry Pothead and the Doobie Hallows
   

Speaking of Super Mario...

Beginning in June, Conan took over for Jay Leno as the host of The Tonight Show on NBC. A few days later, the blog Serious Lunch posted about the resemblance between a backdrop of the set and the designs of Super Mario Bros., complete with edited background from the game (actually, it looks more like the design from Super Mario World). By the end of the week, the above clip aired.

Poor Mario

She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her

Transforminators

"Why are you trashing my scene? You are trashing my scene!"

It's not lupus!

I've watched this four times already, and I can't stop laughing...

Bold claims... Bold, stupid claims

One of the recent Mac commercials (above) have a woman searching for a computer "that works without crashing, or viruses, or a ton of headaches." PC then leaves, leaving the woman to Mac. It's Apple's response to the recent "laptop hunters" commercials by Microsoft.

As if the Mac never crashes... Anyone rushing out to buy a Mac thinking that they'll never had to deal with crashes or headaches are in for a rude awakening. And even though they are rare, Macs also have viruses. So Apple marketing, you're 0 for 3. WTF were you thinking?

I guess for those who hail Apple as the second coming would simply ignore the fact that the Mac crashes just like every other OS, because in their eyes, the might Steve Jobs would never steer them wrong. And iPhones have absolutely no glitches or problems at all.

The sad fact is that... every computer crashes, 'cause every OS sucks.

You're gonna love my nuts

Not that the original informercial wasn't funny enough already, with its ridiculous statements, such as:

• "You're gonna be slapping your troubles away."
  
• "Stop having a boring tuna. Stop having a boring life."
• "We're gonna make America skinny again, one slap at a time."
• "You're gonna love my nuts."
• "You're gonna be slapping away everyday."

But anyway, enjoy.